It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
