If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
