I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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