Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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