it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
