I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
