Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
