I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
