I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
