Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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