Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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