i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
