ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize