I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
