My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
