ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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