Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
