I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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