Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
