This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
