Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
