Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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