Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
