I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
