I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
