Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
