I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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