i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
