Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
