I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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