So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize