Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
