i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize