I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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