Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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