I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
