Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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