Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
