I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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