So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
