Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
