Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
