omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
