She just used a chaser for red wine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
