He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
