got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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