If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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