she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
