so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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