the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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