please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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