I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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