he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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