Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
