There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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