I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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