I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
